Random Story – The Joke Off

This is just an odd little story from my life.

In high school, there was a group of six or seven of us who shared a table at lunch.  One day – I’m pretty sure it was a Monday – either I or my friend Jason told a joke.  And then the other told a joke in reply.  And pretty soon, we had started a joke off, to see who could tell the most jokes.  I believe it went on for five days during lunch, that’s why I think it started on Monday because I don’t think we went over a weekend. 

While we started strong, by the end we were scrapping the bottom of the barrel.  I think one joke I came up with was, “What do you get when you cross an orange and an orange?  An orange.” Between groans, the “judges” accepted that as a joke, but they allowed Jason to do a similar joke, I think his dealt with apples. 

After five days, everyone was tired of jokes, and I think we just declared it a draw.  I’m pretty sure I would remember if I won.

Right now, I probably only know a dozen or so jokes, so I can’t remember how I went five days telling jokes.  I almost wish someone had recorded what jokes were told.  Of course, the majority of them were most likely in poor taste, so it’s probably best no records were kept.

Can America be Great?

The other day I wondered what I would do if I was dictator of America for a day.  Meaning, I could change any law without having to go through Congress.  (Sure, the things you do to pass the time make perfect sense.)

So what would I do?  Well, I’d get rid of the Electoral College.  That way Republicans in California and Democrats in Texas would have their voices heard.  I’d make Election Day a Federal Holiday.  I’d also make some standard for voting, like for every X number of people in a district you need Y number of polling places, as well as being open for early voting.  And making it easier to vote by mail.  And then, I couldn’t really do this in a day, but I’d set it up to happen in a month or two, but Puerto Rico and DC would vote on their futures.  There would be three options, and the voters could rank them, but they’d be to stay as is, become states, or Puerto Rico to become independent or DC to merge back into Maryland.  And I’d do that so that all those citizens could have their voices heard.

I’d then set term limits.  I think two terms as Senator, four, or maybe five terms as a Representative, and say thirty years as Supreme Court Justice.  I’d also make it a law that failure to disclose gifts of, say, $1,000 or greater, wouldn’t get you a slap on the wrist but removal from office, be you President, a Senator, or a Supreme Court Justice.  It wouldn’t be immediate, you’d have one year to disclose it.  There is a joke that politicians should be like NASCAR and wear the names of all their “sponsors.” I’m half-tempted to actually make that a law.

As I understand it, there are eleven courts in The United States courts of appeals, which is the step below the Supreme Court.  So it would make sense if there were eleven members on the Supreme Court so there would be one point-justice to each appellate court.  So I would expand the Supreme Court to eleven justices, but I’d make so that, while normal vacancies would be filled as normal, the tenth spot would only be filled after the 2024 Election, and the eleventh only after the 2028 Election.  Expanding the court, but not packing it.

Next I’d raise the minimum wage to whatever it would be if it grew with inflation.  I’d then make it so that each year it would be adjusted, so it wouldn’t get stuck for twenty years.  I’d also make it, so that while the minimum wage could be raised on its own, if Congress ever raises their wages by 5% or whatever, the minimum wage would also increase by the same amount.

Then I’d burn down the tax laws and start over from scratch.  Actually, I’d probably just make it a basic tax plan, just without the bazillion loopholes hammered out for the benefit of rich people.  One thing I’d definitely change, is say two people each made $100,000.  One actually did labor of one kind or another, and the other just played golf all day while their money made the $100,000.  Well, in my system, the one who actually worked for their money would pay a lower tax rate. 

I spent ten minutes or so thinking about all that, and I realized that I hadn’t even covered guns.  Or abortion, or gay rights, or trans rights, or immigration, or the bloated military, or climate change, or any of the other 8,000 other problems we face in the country.  I’d need to be dictator for a month to fix everything.  If America is that broken, can it be great?

Fourth of July Sale and voter registration drive

I think for every Fourth of July since I published Political Pies – my collection of short stories of a political nature – I’ve had a free sale for it.  On one hand, it’s hard to make money if you give your books away for free, but on the other hand the point of Political Pies is to get people to start thinking about politics in the hope we could start working on some of the problems we face to make a better world.  I’ll sacrifice a few sales for that.

And over the last few years, I’ve also had voter registration drive … sales.  Basically, if you’re an American citizen over 18, all I ask is after you download the free copies of my books, you register to vote or check your voter registration to make sure it’s up to date.  Democracy only works if the people participate, and the first step to participating is to register to vote.  And the sooner you register, or fix any problems with your registration, the easier it will be come Election Day.  To register or check your registration, you can go to your state’s website, which should have the necessary information.

If you’re not an American citizen, you can still download my books for free.  All I ask is you participate in your nation’s politics. 

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The following three ebooks will be free to download from Saturday July 1st, through Wednesday July 5th.  I hope you enjoy, and I hope you vote in the next election.

 

The Only Certainty

On The Day, for reasons unknown, people began changing. They went to sleep as their old selves and woke in their beds in different bodies: bodies that had belonged to other people. And each time they fall asleep, they wake in a new body. Set months later, “The Only Certainty” follows Derrick Gorton on an average day in this new world as he deals with food shortages, the semi-collapse of society, and how to finish his latest novel.

Political Pies

Everybody complains about politics, but does anyone do anything about it? My attempt to do something about it is to collect forty of my short stories with a political element into my Political Pies anthology. The stories are either politically neutral or equally condemning of the national parties. Instead of trying to sway you to one ideology or another, my goal is to just get people thinking about politics in the hopes a rose might grow out of all the political manure.

Duty

For reasons of safety and avoiding paradoxes, Time Travel Incorporated assigns a Guardian to all its travelers. So when there is an accident during political historian Roj Hasol’s trip back to 1968, it’s his Guardian Susan who sets out on the arduous task of cleaning up the mess.