Code Autopsy

A few months ago, I wrote a post about the new computer system we got at work.  Since the post was titled New and … worsened, you can probably guess that I had issues with it.  It seems that for every one thing the new system does better than the old, it does like ten worse.  And some of the worse things it does is, kind of odd.  Which is nice since it gave me another idea for a post.

To begin, I have to describe two things the new system does.  The first is it counts the money in the till.  This is pretty straightforward.  At the beginning of each shift we enter the amount of money in the till, and it just has to add on whatever we take in and subtract whatever we give out.  And when we get to a point, say twice what we started with, it pops up a message saying we have to do a drop.  To start the next transaction, we have to tap “Okay.” (An example of how the new system is worse, in the old system to do a drop I just had to hit like two buttons and enter a four digit code.  Now I have to hit like five buttons, and enter a dozen digit manager code.  So instead of doing three or four drops a night, now I just do one when I go on break.)

The second thing I have to describe, is we print a coupon on each receipt.  But instead of just having one coupon code THAT WOULD MAKE THINGS SO MUCH EASIER, each coupon has to be unique.  Meaning, for each transaction, our system has to call up the corporate system and ask for a unique code that will be recognized at every one of the thousand or so stores across the nation.  But sometimes, there’s a bit of a glitch somewhere in the system.  Either the corporate system is down, or there’s some communications issue, or whatever.  So the system will wait five seconds or so to see if it clears up, but if it doesn’t it will just print the receipt without the coupon.  Which makes sense since you don’t want the customer to just wait there for five minutes waiting for the problem to fix itself.

So those are the two issues I want to discuss.  Now, you’re probably thinking these have nothing to do with one another.  And you’d be right, except there’s something weird with our system.  See, if the communication system is down for whatever reason and the coupon isn’t printed, the “You have to do a drop” message won’t show up.  The first few times it happened, I figured I was missing something.  But communication glitches seem to happen two or three times each shift, so it wasn’t long before I noticed that these two things were somehow connected.  It took me a while to work out how they were connected, but I think what happens is there is a series of things the computer does after a transaction to set things up for the next.  And I think one of the last ones it does is to see if it needs to put up the “You have to do a drop” message.  But for some reason, when there’s a communications glitch, it ends up skipping the “Drop_Check_SubRoutine” or whatever.  It’s probably just one line of code that needs added, or fixed, that whoever designed the code never noticed because it worked 99.999% of the time.

All of this brings me to the idea behind the title of this post: Code Autopsy.  I’m sure that every corporation that has proprietary code for their stores/restaurants/warehouses whatever, there are lines of bad code that lead to weird/annoying/stupid problems that employees have just had to learn to live with.  Code Autopsy would be a show where a group of experienced coders are told of these problems, and then they go through the code to see what causes them.  And then, they see how to fix them.  Like I imagine the coupon/drop issue our system has could be fixed with one or two lines of code.  That’s probably all it would take.

Of course, there are several problems with this idea.  First off, few companies would be willing to have their code issues discussed in public.  They’d probably claim “proprietary” reasons, but really it would be the PR black eye of letting the world know they have “bad code.” Secondly, while this is my idea, I’d likely only watch the episode for the company where I work.  It’s an interesting idea, but not one I’d really be invested in.  Unless there’s a really big company with really fucked up code, it wouldn’t be a huge draw.

Random Story – Interesting driving instruction

This is just an odd little story from my life.

Way back when I was learning to drive, there was some deal that if you took lessons from the school’s driving instructor, your parents would get a discount when you got your insurance.  I don’t know what the policy is these days.  So I was signed up to drive for four or five days during the summer.  The instructor drove out to our house out in the boonies, and then I’d drive back to town to show I knew what I was doing.  Every now and then he’d point to a parking spot and have me parallel park into it.  We’d find a quiet side street and he’d have me do a 3 Point Turn.  After about an hour, he’d direct me to the house of the next kid, who would then drive me back home as the first part of his driving lesson.

The last day I had to drive, at the end I had to go to a new house to pick up a new kid.  So the instructor sent me out some road I’d never been on before, and we soon came to some construction.  The traffic was backed up pretty far, and it looked like we’d be there for some time slowly inching forward.  Well, we were stopped right at a restaurant, or something, so he had me pull in to the parking lot.  Fortunately, there were three or four random businesses that shared this parking lot, so I drove from before the restaurant’s area of the lot, through the dry cleaner’s section, to the gun store section.  But that was where the lot ended.  If I had gotten back on the road, we would have passed twenty or so cars.  But we would still have been backed up.

The next business was a liquor store, or whatever, and their parking lot was separated from the one we were in by three-foot-wide patch of grass.  I don’t remember if there was a curb, but if there was it was only an inch or so.  The instructor told me to drive over the grass into the liquor store parking lot.  I don’t know what exactly I was thinking, but I think I was just too scared to say anything, so I drove into the liquor store parking lot.

But then, on the other side of the liquor store parking lot, there was a hedge row, or a stone wall that almost reached the road.  I think the reason it didn’t go all the way to the road was because there was a telephone pole there, and there’s probably some statute about how much space needs to be around a telephone pole.  The distance from the pole to the hedge was probably about six inches wider than the car, so the instructor told me to drive through it.  Fortunately, the gas station or whatever parking lot we were in now, was either beyond the construction area, or was at an intersection where we could continue on to the new kid’s house. 

Once my nerves settled, I had to admit the whole thing was pretty funny.  I can only imagine what the other drivers, or the construction workers thought as they saw a Student Driver Car off-roading to get around them.  But I do wonder if I had shown myself to be an okay enough driver that he wasn’t worried, or did the instructor just hate being stuck in traffic that much.

An idea for flag burners

 

Twenty-some years ago, I wrote a couple of stories about how stupid it was to try to ban flag burning.  At the time, there were people trying to make an Amendment to ban it, but after some time the issue kind of died away because anyone with half-a-braincell knows there are 8,000 other, more important problems facing America.  That’s how things stood until Dipshit signed an Executive Order. 

I figured I should dig those stories out and post them, and that’s what I did with “Star-Spangled Ploy.” But the other story, I read through it for the first time in over a decade, and realized it had some problems.  Basically, it was written with only the most basic legal knowledge gleaned from TV and movies.  Reading through it now, I was like, “The judge wouldn’t allow that,” and, “Oh, all of that would be revealed in discovery.” So instead of trying to rewrite the story to be more realistic, I figured I’d just post the idea.  If you do try this, just know, THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE.

The story was about a guy who burns a “flag” on the steps of the Supreme Court and is arrested.  But at his trial, he produces two pieces of evidence.  The first is a receipt from a custom flags company for two, not real American flags with fourteen stripes and fifty-one stars.  The second piece of evidence is one of these “flags.” The point being that the state could not prove that the item he burned was an actual American flag and not one of these fake “flags.”

I’m sure a real lawyer could find holes in this approach, so again, THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE.

***

Image from Pixabay.

Short story – “Star-Spangled Ploy”

 

This story was published in September 2012 as part of my collection Political Pies, after an earlier version was posted on a friend’s website in August 2006.  In my collections, I include a little blurb after each story to give its history or to give some comment on it.  I’m posting it here, along with the blurb, because I – unfortunately – turned out to be prophetic.

“Star-Spangled Ploy”

Slamming his fist on his podium, Senator Conant exclaimed, “And that is why I voted for a Constitutional Amendment to ban flag burning.”

This was met with uneven applause from the packed auditorium.

“Thank you, Senator Conant.” The Moderator then turned her head slightly towards the Senator’s opponent.  “Mister Drake, same question.”

Drake smiled.  “I agree with the Senator that it is a shame,” his hand slapped his podium, “that we can’t send our kids outside without a burning flag being crammed down their throats.  I believe ….” He pointed at the audience, then brought his finger to his lips and tapped it a few times.  “I believe I’ve never actually seen a flag being burnt, other than on TV when foreigners – outside US jurisdiction – were protesting America.  Have you, Senator?” Without waiting for an answer, he looked to the audience.  “Has anyone here?” After a slight pause he asked, “Yet how many of you are struggling with obscenely high energy bills?” Drake raised his hand, which was joined by scores more.

Drake took a deep breath.  “For those of you pained by the thought of a flag being burned, I understand and respect your sentiment.  But amending the Constitution to ban flag burning is not the solution.  If anything, it will make matters worse.”

Holding his hand out, as if to silence any remarks, Drake said, “Let me explain.  A few flags are burned each year in this country in protest.  I repeat, a few.  Very few.  I don’t have the exact number, but I would bet it is less than a hundred.  Now, if this amendment passed, a date will have to be set for when the law takes effect, say January 1st.  Do you know what would happen on December 31st?  Thousands, tens of thousands of Americans would gather in Washington, D.C. and in cities large and small across the nation.  And just before the stroke of midnight, they would light thousands upon thousands of flags on fire.  Your options are to either know that a hundred flags are burned each year, or watch as thousands are burned before your eyes.  And it would not end once January 1st came.  People will take pieces of cardboard, draw a flag on it, and burn that.  Unless the ban is Draconian in its description of what constitutes an American flag, such an act would be perfectly legal.  And I suspect that people will line up before the White House, and the Supreme Court, and in thousands of other places and burn these cardboard flags day after day after day until the Amendment is repealed.” Drake shrugged.  “The simple truth, a Constitutional Amendment banning flag burning will only result in hundreds of thousands of flags and flag-like objects being burned.  Period.  That’s the only thing that will happen.”

Drake jabbed his podium with his finger.  “Now, of all the problems facing America today, flag burning is number 3,714.  Call me crazy, but I think the first 3,713 problems are far more important.  Problems such as: Social Security, health care, national security, education, immigration, gas prices, crime, incompetent leadership, the deficit, the environment, unemployment, racial tensions, rogue nations, poverty, decaying infrastructure, bigotry, foreign and domestic terrorism, drug abuse, invasions of privacy … I could go on and on.

“You may ask, given all these problems, why is flag burning such a big issue?  Well, I have a theory.  I believe flag burning is a ploy being used by certain elected officials to mask the fact that they,” Drake looked directly at Conant, “have accomplished nothing.” Drake pointed at a random audience member, “Nothing for you.” Pointing at more people he continued, “Or you, or you, or your child who can’t afford to go to college, or your grandfather who has to go to Canada to get his medication, or your wife whose job was outsourced, or all of us when we pay an arm and a leg at the gas pump.”

Pounding his fist on his podium, Drake raised his voice, “We have wasted enough time on this diversion.  Let’s get back to the real problems of America: yours!”

The auditorium shook from the applause.

***

I wrote this back when, once again, a flag burning amendment was being talked about and voted on.  I wanted to slap Congress.  Seriously, with everything that was going on, why was that an issue?  I understand that it can be an emotional issue for some people, but there are thousands of more serious problems out there that don’t get as much attention as flag burning.  I included this story in this collection because – I’m sure – at some point in the future the issue will crop up again when some do-nothing politician needs to scare up some votes.

 

Image from Pixabay.

Short story – “The Fall”

“The Fall”

When Alan opened the door of his apartment, he saw his partner Sam on the couch petting their dog. “Did you hear the news?  The jury just convicted Mayor Becker of rape.”

“That’s not surprising,” Sam replied.

Taking off his coat, Alan said, “I guess that’s the end of his reelection campaign.”

“Not necessarily,” Sam replied.  “There are a lot of voters who support his economic policies.” After a second, they added, “And those people are assholes.”

Alan wiped imaginary sweat from his brow.  “Glad you finished that.  Otherwise, you and Buster would’ve had to find a new place to live.”

Sam put a protective arm around Buster and kissed him on the head.  They then leaned close and whispered, “You have my permission to bite him.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

***

I wrote this because only a society that’s falling would let a sexual predator retain political power.

Random Story – Missed photo

This is just an odd little story from my life.

Back in February, something got into our coop and killed all of our chickens.  After some repairs, we got a bunch of new chicks.  About a month ago, I was putting them in for the night when one of the little roosters stopped at the door, and crowed.  Well, he tried to crow.  It was more like a cough. 

After laughing for a bit, I thought it would have been great if I had recorded it.  Of course, I’m one of those weird people who can put their phone down for hours.  At the time, my phone was back in the house because, why would I need it if I’m just going out for five minutes to put the chickens in?  While thinking on this, I remembered a story of a photo I was about ten seconds too late to capture.

I forget exactly when this happened, but it was like fifteen years ago.  At the time, in addition to chickens we also had some ducks.  We also had a dog, and one of their toys was a mostly deflated innertube.  We’d throw it, and he’d bite it and give it a good shake. 

So I was in my room – maybe working on a story, I don’t remember – and I looked out the window to our backyard.  In the middle of the yard was the innertube, and walking right towards it was one of the ducks.  I expected the duck to go around it, but instead it kept marching straight.  I was further surprised when it stopped for a few seconds inside the innertube.  I scrambled to grab the digital camera I had back then, but before I could turn it on, the duck scrambled out of the innertube and continued on their way. 

That’s the story of how I missed taking a photo of a duck, sitting in an innertube, in the middle of a yard.  If I had managed to get a photo of it, I’m sure I would have posted it with a thought bubble of the duck going, “Something isn’t right.”

Small acts of resistance

A couple months ago, I found an interesting message at work.  Since then, I’ve been trying to think of other, small acts of resistance anyone could do.  We’d like to think that a few big acts will turn everything around, but it doesn’t work that way.  It will take a few big acts, untold thousands of medium acts, and millions of small acts. 

Big acts are things like organizing multistate protests, or running for office to replace a Trump supporter with someone who actually cares for America, or building a secret entrance so you can hide a family in your attic.  Not many people can do those things. 

Medium acts would be organizing local protests, or making YouTube videos documenting the crimes of ICE, or giving money to worthy groups and candidates.  While there are more people who can do such things, it’s still out of reach for many.

So here are some of the simple, small acts of resistance I’ve thought of.  The first is to find some YouTube video showing the crimes of ICE.  Make a QR code for this video, print it out and tape it to the ice machines most convenience stores have. 

I recently discovered that one of the local news stations has polls on their website.  It’s not every day, more of if there’s a big news story they’ll put up a poll about it.  Living in a deep red part of the state, it’s depressing to see like 50% thought Trump should get the Nobel Peace Prize, but also 90% want the Epstein Files released.  And while my logical and realistic vote won’t change things, I do think it’s important to show the magats that not everyone agrees with them.

If you have a pen and a dollar bill, you can make a speech bubble of George Washington saying, “No Kings!” Or you can leave a message, such as Leviticus 19:34.  If someone who gets that bill is curious they’ll look it up to find, “The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.”

Start a garden, or start buying from a local farmers market, especially if you normally buy from a store that spends millions to bribe politicians.  The added benefit is it’s also better for the environment.  If you don’t have a yard, or even a balcony, maybe just get one of those herb things you can have on the counter. 

And my final idea for a small act of resistance is to just be a good person living as happy a life as you can.  Crank your favorite song, repost that silly cat video, or stop kinda flirting with that person and just ask them out.  The war to turn America around will take many, many years, and the hardest thing to maintain during long wars is morale.  Do what you can to keep yours up.