Christmas sale!

So it’s Christmas.  Maybe Santa brought you a new Kindle, maybe in the last few months you’ve read everything in your house, or maybe you’re just looking to try something new from someone you’ve probably never heard of.  Well, I got you covered.  From Wednesday December 23, through Sunday December 27, my four Kindle ebooks listed below will be free to download. 

I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season, and I hope you enjoy anything of mine you read.

***

A Man of Few Words

 

A Man of Few Words is a collection of fifty of my flash fiction stories. What would really happen if a “T-Rex on steroids” attacked a city? Why do science fiction writers make the best lovers? How does a company get to Second Base with VIPs? I explore these questions and more using less than 1000 words and in various genres from humor to horror and general fiction to science fiction.

The majority of the stories were previously published (most on my website) but all were revised for this collection. In addition, each piece is accompanied by some background information on the origin of the story or a funny tale about the writing of it to give a fuller experience.

Rise

 

“Rise” is a standalone story set in my Human Republic Universe. The story follows the events after the tragic deaths of the colonists on a small colony in a distant star system.

A Cabin Under a Cloudy Sea and other stories

 

Hopefully, in the not too distant future humans will return to the moon. We will build bases and colonies, make farms and factories, and live, love and learn. “A Cabin Under a Cloudy Sea and other stories” contains five short stories that are all set upon the moon. They give the tiniest glimpse of the possibilities awaiting us there.

The Moon Before Mars: Why returning to the moon makes more sense than rushing off to Mars

 

Over the last few years a lot of people have caught Mars fever. It seems a week doesn’t go by without a report of some new group wanting to send people to Mars, or some big name in the industry talking about why we have to go to Mars, or articles talking about the glorious future humanity will have on Mars. All of this worries me. In my opinion, a Mars base is currently not sustainable because there’s no way for it to make money. A few missions may fly doing extraordinary science, but if it’s then cancelled for cost the whole Mars Project may just be seen as an expensive stunt.

Fortunately, there are other places in the solar system besides Mars. While bases on the moon and amongst the asteroids won’t be as inspirational as one on Mars, they will have opportunities for businesses to make goods and services as well as profits, meaning less chance of them being outright cancelled. This will make life better on Earth and secure a firm foothold in space for humanity. The essays in “The Moon Before Mars: Why returning to the moon makes more sense than rushing off to Mars” allow me to describe my ideas on what can be accomplished on the moon and with the asteroids, and why Mars isn’t the destiny of humanity its cheerleaders make it out to be.

Short story – “Too Good to be True”

“Too Good to be True”

Pointing out the passenger side window, Jeff said, “I don’t know what they sell, but I think I’ll do all my shopping there this year.”

His wife Diana glanced at him and asked, “Where?”

“Uh, a store back there.  I didn’t catch the name of it.”

Diana gave him a longer glance with a raised eyebrow.  “Let me get this straight, you don’t know the name of the store, or what they sell, but you’re going to do all your shopping there?”

“They had a big sign out front saying ‘We don’t play Christmas music.’”

Diana smiled and shook her head.  After a moment, she said, “You know, they’ll be packed.  It’s probably like Black Friday in there the whole month of December.”

Jeff sighed.  “Of course.  I find something wonderful and you immediately find fault with it.”

“What did you expect?  I’m pretty sure I put that in my vows.”

With a falsetto, Jeff said, “Oh, let’s write our own wedding vows, it will be so romantic.” In his regular voice he added, “I knew that was going to bite me in the ass.”

Diana playfully slapped his shoulder.

***

The other night at work – as I listened to the fourteenth version of “Frosty” in ten minutes – I thought that if a store put out a sign saying they didn’t play Christmas music, I’d go in, without even knowing what they sold.  I thought that was a great idea, so I hammered out this story.

As I worked on the story, I realized that what we really need is a holiday from holiday music.  If you really love Christmas music, there are plenty of ways for you to listen to it.  But for captive audiences – shoppers or the poor workers who have to listen to it for hours on end – it would be nice to have an auditory break.  So I’m proposing that December 15 become No Christmas Music Day.  It’s about the middle of the month-long assault by Frosty the Red Nosed, silver, jingle bell who’s coming to town to make out with your mom, so it’s the perfect time for a break.  If we’re lucky, and it takes off, this formally one day holiday may start to creep and we’ll have two or three days free from Christmas music. 

One can hope.

Perhaps it was best that Trump won in 2016

Hear me out.

A few days ago I had an idea for an alternate history story where Clinton won in 2016.  The main point of the story was that Republicans would be outraged at her handling of the pandemic.  They would say that because she had “allowed” say, 50,000 Americans to die that she had failed in her responsibilities as President.  I was thinking about this and then I wondered what Republican would face her in 2020.

If Trump had lost in 2016, would he have gracefully accepted his defeat?  Fuck no.  He would have spent four years claiming the election had been rigged and stolen from him.  He would hold rallies, and marches, and would appear on Fox News hundreds of times saying that Clinton wasn’t the legitimate President.  And given his appeal to the MAGAs, would any Republican challenge him for the nomination and would 2020 have been a rematch?

With Democrats staying home because of the pandemic and not waiting in line for four years to get rid of Trump, could he have won in 2020?  And then when the vaccines come out in 2021, he would – naturally – take credit.  And you think the MAGA cult is intolerable now?

Trump unleashed countless horrors on America and the world in his time as President, but if he had lost in 2016 only to make a glorious comeback in 2020, could things have been worse?

Short story – “The Horror”

“The Horror”

An upset stomach woke Jack.  Even at his tender age he knew if he went to his mom she would scold him for not listening to her when she said not to eat so much of his candy.  So he lay in bed toughening it out until morning, like the cowboy he had been.

Some time later, his stomach had settled and he was drifting back to sleep when he heard a sharp thump.  At first his sleepy mind didn’t notice, but then it repeated.  After it repeated a few times, Jack thought, It sounds like someone’s knocking on the side of the house.

Jack sat up in bed, his mind filled with images of giant monsters bashing their tentacles on the side of the house.  He was about to hide under his covers when he remembered his mom.  I should warn her.

The knocking grew louder while Jack worked up his courage.  He then heard a muffled cry of, “Oh God,” coming from her room.  The knocking stopped.  She must have seen the monster, Jack thought.  What courage he had built up melted away as he dove under his blankets, unsure what he would find in the morning.

***

I wrote this (almost exactly) nine years ago and posted it on a site that unfortunately went belly-up a few years later.  The story stayed online, but lately there’s been formatting issues.  Which sucked because I always posted a link to it around Halloween.  So I’ve reposted it so I can link to it for Halloweens future.

Useless Cogs

I have just published my eighth short story collection.  “Useless Cogs” contains forty, science fiction stories that range from only a few dozen words to a few thousand and are filled with time travelers, AIs, clones, aliens, even sexbots, although not often as you would imagine.  As examples, there’s a time traveler that’s always a step behind, an AI that’s late on rent, and a sexbot with bad software.  Some of the stories are humorous, some horrifying, and some … depend on your point of view.  You can get it on Kindle for only $1.99, or the equivalent.

Not as the Founders intended

Every now and then someone will, while trying to make some point on a political matter, say that the thing they oppose “wasn’t how the Founders intended.” And the thing I’ve come to realize over the years is that if you’re arguing with someone and they pull that out, it means you’ve won.  They have no argument for their position so they are just playing the “Founders Intention Card” in the hopes that will shut you up. 

I think the best way to fully explain this, is something I do as a writer.  To explore some ideas – or sometimes just to pass the time – I’ll try to imagine what I would do if some historical figure showed up at my door.  After being weirded out for a bit, I’d show JFK the Apollo 11 landing, I’d show MLK the Obama inauguration, and since I couldn’t think of anything special to show some other initialed person I’d show Einstein the reports of the detection of gravitational waves.  But should I tell JFK about RFK?  Or MLK about BLM?  What’s the point of any of this, you ask.  Well, having imaginary conversations with long dead historical figures is good practice for having imaginary conversations with fictitious people.  And since I’m a writer, it’s perfectly fine for me to do that. 

A subset of this idea is where the historical person can’t interact with the modern world.  Their spirit, ghost, essence, whatever, is just floating over your shoulder seeing what you see but unable to ask for any clarification.  Someone like Caesar would have no clue what was going on, whereas someone like Ben Franklin would at least understand most of the language.  This can be useful to a writer trying to get into the head of a character ending up on an alien world.

Now let’s imagine the spirits of all the Founding Fathers showed up over my shoulder while I drove to work.  What would they experience?  After the shock wore off, they would be amazed to be traveling without any horses.  If Franklin figured out the speedometer they’d probably be terrified of going the unheard of speed of fifty miles an hour.  Then there would be this odd music, but without any sign of musician or instrument.  And if it was a good song that I repeated, they’d be shocked to hear the exact same thing again.

On my way to work I’d stop at a store with these weird outside stalls.  I’d then use a stiff card to somehow buy so many gallons of this stuff called gasoline that would amount to an absurd amount of like $30.  Some of them probably didn’t pay as much for a slave.

Then I get to work and they’d see that some of my superiors are – gasp – women who – double gasp – wear trousers.  And after a few hours of work – after handling such unexplainable items like extension cords and Pop-Tarts – I’d take my lunch break.  I’d take something out of an ice box – that doesn’t have ice in it – and stick it another box that hums for a few minutes and that somehow makes my meal hot.  I’d eat with a fork that’s as clear as glass but doesn’t shatter.  Something that amazing they’d probably keep as a family heirloom, but which I just throw away once I’m done with it.

Pretty much anything we do today would be astounding to the Founding Fathers.  They would write letters and then put them on a boat and sail them to Europe.  Some months later, they might get a reply.  Now imagine them watching someone pull a thing out of their pocket to “call” someone in Japan just to wish them a happy birthday.  That would completely blow their minds.  Our world would be almost incomprehensible to them.  Which is why “that’s not what the Founders intended” is a losing play in an argument. 

The Founding Fathers were some of the brightest minds of the Eighteenth Century.  But we live in the Twenty-first.  They didn’t have indoor plumbing, but we should follow their intentions in regards to things like cyberterrorism?  I’m not saying we should scrap everything of theirs, but we should examine everything to make sure it is still relevant.  I mean, the Founders weren’t perfect.  They didn’t intend for blacks or women to vote and only certain types of people want to go back to that. 

Big Election Sale

I had a plan to have ten of my Kindle ebooks on sale leading up to the election.  The hope was that maybe somebody would download one of my books so they would have something to read while they waited in line to vote.  So that was the plan, but then I started seeing all these posts of people waiting in line for ten hours or more to vote early.  My big sale that wouldn’t start until the end of the month wouldn’t help them, so I’m now doing four smaller sales from now through the election.  This post will show which books are free to download when.  So if you’re going to be waiting in line, hopefully something of mine will strike your fancy and help pass the time.  And if you’ve already voted, then reward yourself.  And if you’re not an American citizen, then be sure to vote in your country’s elections.  Democracy only works if the people participate.

Thursday October 15 through Monday October 19

A Man of Few Words

 

A Man of Few Words is a collection of fifty flash fiction stories by Stephen L. Thompson. What would really happen if a “T-Rex on steroids” attacked a city? Why do science fiction writers make the best lovers? How does a company get to Second Base with VIPs? These questions and more are explored by Stephen using less than 1000 words and in various genres from humor to horror and general fiction to science fiction.

The majority of the stories were previously published (most by Stephen himself on his website) but all were revised for this collection. In addition, each piece is accompanied by some background information on the origin of the story or a funny tale about the writing of it to give a fuller experience.

The Moon Before Mars

Over the last few years a lot of people have caught Mars fever. It seems a week doesn’t go by without a report of some new group wanting to send people to Mars, or some big name in the industry talking about why we have to go to Mars, or articles talking about the glorious future humanity will have on Mars. All of this worries Stephen L. Thompson. In his opinion, a Mars base is currently not sustainable because there’s no way for it to make money. A few missions may fly doing extraordinary science, but if it’s then cancelled for cost the whole Mars Project may just be seen as an expensive stunt.

Fortunately, there are other places in the solar system besides Mars. While bases on the moon and amongst the asteroids won’t be as inspirational as one on Mars, they will have opportunities for businesses to make goods and services as well as profits, meaning less chance of them being outright cancelled. This will make life better on Earth and secure a firm foothold in space for humanity. The essays in “The Moon Before Mars: Why returning to the moon makes more sense than rushing off to Mars” allow Mister Thompson to describe his ideas on what can be accomplished on the moon and with the asteroids, and why Mars isn’t the destiny of humanity its cheerleaders make it out to be.

Tuesday October 20 through Saturday October 24

Lonely Phoenix

 

Partway to a new colony world, board member Geoffrey Ames is woken from hibernation by the caretaking crew of the Lucian. They require him to look into the matter of their fellow crewman Morgan Heller. Morgan’s claims – such as being over 1500 years old – would normally land him in the psychiatric ward, except he can back up some of his other claims.

The Only Certainty

 

On The Day, for reasons unknown, people began changing. They went to sleep as their old selves and woke in their beds in different bodies: bodies that had belonged to other people. And each time they fall asleep, they wake in a new body. Set months later, “The Only Certainty” follows Derrick Gorton on an average day in this new world as he deals with food shortages, the semi-collapse of society, and how to finish his latest novel.

Sunday October 25 through Thursday October 29

Relics

 

This work contains some profanity and sexual situations. It is intended for mature audiences only.

A plague that kills men has devastated the world’s population. Only a few thousand boys and men were able to be quarantined. But Mike Shay is the only man known to have a natural immunity to the plague. Therefore, he is practically the only man in a world of women. He spends his days reading, playing video games, and making the occasional sperm donation. Then Dr. Veronica Barrett shows up, disrupting what passes for his life. She says she’s there to investigate his “mental wellbeing,” but is there more to her visit?

Instead of the normal, adolescent, heterosexual male fantasy of being the only guy on a planet of women, “Relics” tries to give a more realistic view of Mike’s life.

Seventh Story Stockpile

 

Over the years, Stephen L. Thompson has posted several short stories on websites that later – for one reason or another – died. While the corpses of some of these sites are still around where you can read his stories, many have vanished from the internet. And since there are few sites that will publish such previously published works, the only way you could read them was if he self-published them in a collection.

In addition to such “lost” stories, he’s included some new stories that – for one reason or another – he felt he’d have a hard time finding someone to publish them. So “Seventh Story Stockpile” basically contains stories he didn’t know what to do with. But now he can move on to other projects.

Friday October 30 through Tuesday November 3

Political Pies

 

Everybody complains about politics, but does anyone do anything about it? Stephen L. Thompson’s attempt to do something about it is to collect forty of his short stories with a political element into his Political Pies anthology. His stories are either politically neutral or equally condemning of the national parties. Instead of trying to sway you to one ideology or another, his goal is to just get people thinking about politics in the hopes a rose might grow out of all the political manure.

The All-You-Can-Read Buffet

 

The All-You-Can-Read Buffet is a collection of forty stories covering various genres and themes ranging from six to over 4,200 words in length. Some of these stories Stephen L. Thompson began writing a decade ago, while others were written especially for this collection. All together, they are a buffet of his writing. As such, he encourage you to read as much as you want. Go back for seconds, thirds, fourths even. He won’t even mind if you skip over the stuff you don’t like, but, to quote your mother, “How do you know you don’t like it? Have you tried it?”

The Future is Coming

 

As a science fiction writer, Stephen L. Thompson has spent a lot of time thinking about how technology will change the way we live. He has come up with these ten short essays about science fictional elements that will – almost certainly – one day become science fact as a way for people to start coming to terms with them. Because he has spent time thinking about clones and AIs, Stephen feels that he’ll be okay when they do finally show up whereas most people will probably freak out. He hopes his essays will get people to start thinking about the future because, no matter what we do, the future is coming.

Duty

For reasons of safety and avoiding paradoxes, Time Travel Incorporated assigns a Guardian to all its travelers. So when there is an accident during political historian Roj Hasol’s trip back to 1968, it’s his Guardian Susan who sets out on the arduous task of cleaning up the mess.

Short story – “For the People?”

“For the People?”

“Senator Gabis, you have the reputation of giving your campaign speeches all from memory, without a teleprompter or even notes.  How do you manage that?”

“It’s simple.” Gabis touched a finger to his temple and said, “The aliens implanted a memory chip in my brain which gives me perfect memory.” Gabis paused for a second, watching the shock spread across the reporter’s face, before going into a deep laugh.

He laughed for a few seconds, then said, “Seriously, I’ve always had a head for numbers: in sixth grade I could recite baseball stats for hours.  When I put that talent to more practical uses – such as my schoolwork – my grades went up.  And having a good memory really helped me when I played Laertes in Hamlet my senior year.” Gabis leaned forward and held up a hand. “Before you ask,” he said, “I believe all copies of my performance have been burned.”

With a chuckle, he sat back and continued.  “I know some people have a ‘system’ to help their memories, but whatever I use is just what I’ve found works for me.  And I’ve been doing it so long, it just comes naturally.  But to destroy the myth, I do use notes when I give me speeches.  Mostly to make sure I stay on track, because I do have a tendency to ramble.”

“I’m sure having such a good memory has helped being a Senator?”

“Definitely.  But I think the bigger help was learning to speed read.  There are tons of reports and memos that come through our offices every day, on top of 800 page bills.  All Senators have aides and interns who wade through all that paperwork and give a CliffsNotes version of everything.  Even I do that, but I do read every bill I vote on.  All of that is good practice because – hopefully – next January I’ll be sworn in as President, and the number of reports and memos Presidents deal with dwarf those of a Senator.  Then I’ll probably wish I really did have an alien chip to help me remember everything.”

#

Gabis nodded to his security and said, “Goodnight Bill.”

“Goodnight Senator.”

Gabis closed the door of the hotel room and walked over to the bar.  As he poured himself a scotch, a voice asked, “Was it wise to joke about us?”

Gabis turned around and – as he took a sip – studied the creature standing by his bed.  It was a rail thin humanoid about five feet tall, but with a dark green shell instead of skin.  Its head was bald except for a thick, frond sticking up from the very top.  And it didn’t wear any clothes, but if it had genitalia Gabis couldn’t identify them.

“One thing we humans love,” Gabis explained, “are conspiracy theories.  If you dig into the internet hard enough, you’ll probably find a blog or video of someone – last week – claiming that I was an agent of the Lizard People, or something.  But now, if anyone makes any remark like that, the reports will go back to this – obvious – joke, and we’ll all laugh at the nutcases who couldn’t figure that out.”

The creature looked at him with its too large, deep blue eyes for several moments.  Then the translator crystal on its chest pulsed with a yellow glow.  “You are a most unusual species.  We’ll allow this … indiscretion, but make sure there are no more.”

Gabis bit his bottom lip, then bowed.  “Of course.”

There was a flash of blue light, and when Gabis looked up the creature was gone.  He went to finish his scotch, but instead set it back on the bar.

He stripped out of his clothes and flopped back on the bed.  He then tapped his temple three times, and activated the implant to download the day’s report.  Everything his opponent had said – as well as everything said by all the surrogates on both sides, all the commentators, all the poll watchers, even all the blogs that mentioned the election – was dumped into Gabis’ mind.  All to be sorted and compartmentalized to further stack the election deck in his favor.

Not for the first time, Gabis wondered why the aliens were so eager to get him into the White House.

***

I first wrote this story in 2014 and posted it on a site that’s no longer around.  I’m reposting it now because, well, when else am I going to post a story about someone running for President with some sketchy help?

The Billionaire College

Here’s an idea on how to replace the Electoral College.  This election system starts much the same way as the current one does, with each party holding a primary to select a candidate.  But once these candidates are selected they go before what I call, the Billionaire College.  This would consist of the nine richest Americans on some predetermined date.  They would be the ones to choose the next President.

So what are the pros of this idea?  Well, as things stand now, candidates spend hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars – a sizable portion of which is supplied by the members of the BC – to try to convince us peons that they deserve our votes.  All the annoying ads you skip, mailers you throw away, and all the countless speeches would be pointless.  It wouldn’t eliminate, but would drastically cut the number of arguments around the Thanksgiving table.  And what could be more American than some shyster selling overpriced garbage to raise the money to gain political power?

What are the cons to this idea?  Well, the naïve view that every person should have a voice in choosing their government.  I guess that’s a “nice” idea, but it’s not like we live by that now.  From aggressive voter purges, to long lines on Election Day, to cutting early voting or voting by mail to make the lines even longer, there are factions in this country trying to take voting away from the “peons” and too few people care.  Maybe we should stop ignoring that we live in an oligarchy and just go all in.

Thoughts on Trump having coronavirus

 My first reaction to the news was Nelson's "Ha Ha!" But then, I hoped he and Melania get better.  Mostly because I want him to stand trial for his numerous misdeeds.  But also because his death would just cause all the rightwing nutjobs to launch a holy war in his name.  And telling them that this was a disease that he didn't take seriously and thus paid the consequences for won't do anything.  Because we all know that if Trump went on live TV and shot himself in the head, there are people who would say - and believe - that he was assassinated by Antifa.  And the dumpster fire is bad enough as it is.

Vote for the lesser of two evils

Many years ago, I realized that we don’t vote for the best candidate for President, because – to be honest – the best candidate isn’t on the ballot.  Instead we vote for the one we hope will fuck things up the least.  Now some will whine that voting for the lesser of two evils is why things are so bad.  But our election system is rather shitty to begin with, even before it was basically broken.  I mean, my choice this November is between someone who will throw gas on the burning dumpster, someone who will at least try to put out the dumpster fire, or some pixy that – according to their supporters – will be able to fix everything in the country with their magic wand, except it’s a two party system and they have zero chance of winning.  Given those choices, I’ll be pragmatic and vote for the one who will try to put out the dumpster fire.

Do I think Biden will make a great President?  No.  Was he my first choice?  Fuck no.  I was hoping for Warren.  Of course, it didn’t really matter.  For one, I have no party affiliation, so I can’t vote in the primaries, and two, I live in Pennsylvania and by the time we have our primary the nominee is pretty much already decided.  Another aspect of how our system is broken.

Now I’ve seen some posts on Facebook and Twitter about progressives upset about how Biden/The Democratic Party “isn’t doing enough to win their vote.” But put yourself in the shoes of the Democratic Party.  They want to bring together more voters.  They look to the left and see people saying, “We have these forty-seven demands, and if you don’t accept all forty-seven, THEN WE WILL NOT VOTE FOR YOUR CANDIDATE.” The Party then looks to the right and sees people going, “We just want a President who won’t start World War III over a Twitter feud.” And the Democratic Party goes, “We can do that.” And then progressives are like, “They’re not even trying to win my vote.”

A large part of why things are so shitty and broken, is because there is no viable third choice.  And yes, when I was young I did protest the 2000 Election by voting for Nader.  (Pennsylvania still went for Gore, so it’s not my fault.)  But did that accomplish anything?  I’ve recently decided that – even though I want a viable third, fourth, fifth party – I won’t vote for a President unless they are in a party that has at least ten members in the House and one Senator.  Because the whole point in trying to elect a third party candidate is so they can do something.  But why should Republicans or Democrats follow the lead of a Third Party President?  Did they follow the lead of Obama or Trump? 

So how can a third party become viable so I’ll consider voting for their Presidential candidate?  By a lot of hard work getting their message out and building on successes.  First they win some elections at the local level, then the state, and then Members of Congress.  It will be a lot of slow, incremental steps. 

Now some will say that slow, incremental steps won’t fix the problems we have now and we need big, fast changes.  Well, big, fast changes in the political world are usually called revolutions.  Before anyone starts cheering, let me remind you that revolutions are often bloody and have unintended consequences.  I mean, the French revolted against their King, and a few years later they had an Emperor.  The oft discussed Bolshevik Revolution was the second revolution in Russia, that year.  And before you say the American Revolution was perfect, was it?  I mean, the first government formed after it flopped and had to be replace by one that had some issues that led to a Civil War and the case could be made is the root for many of the problems we have today.  (Cough, Electoral College.)

All of this is because there is no “End” in politics.  There’s no bill that can be passed that will magically fix everything for the rest of time.  Every solution to a problem creates new problems.  And if your only solution to problems is revolution, then you’re asking for a lifetime of bloody revolutions, counterrevolutions, counter-counterrevolutions, ad infinitum.  Or you can go for the less dramatic, less sexy, slow, incremental steps way towards fixing problems.  And if you accept that, then the first step has to be putting out the goddamn dumpster fire.  Without that, all your other plans are meaningless.

Short story – “Thou Shalt Not Hate”

“Thou Shalt Not Hate”

“Welcome back to Wake Up America.  This morning we ask, ‘How big a role should religion play in American society?’ It is a question that has been debated for a long time, and doesn’t look like it will be over any time soon.  With me are two representatives from the forefront of this debate.

“In the studio with me is Reverend Roger Tishler, founder of the Christians United organization.  It’s a pleasure to have you here.”

“It’s a pleasure to be here, Diane.”

“And joining us via satellite from New York is John Benson, author of the controversial new book: Why Fundamentalist Christians Scare the Bejesus out of Me.  It’s a pleasure to have you on our show.”

“Thank you.”

“First let me ask you, Mister Benson, why do Fundamentalist Christians scare you?”

“Simply Diane, what Fundamentalist Christians desire is to create a theocracy in America.  That scares me because in a theocracy people like me, a freethinking nonconformist, are usually put up against a wall.”

“It is not our desire to put anyone up against a wall.  Our desire is to bring the word of God to everyone.”

“Even if you have to cram Him down their throats.”

“Reverend Tishler, do you wish to create a Christian theocracy in this country?”

“Diane, people like Mister Benson throw the term ‘theocracy’ around to scare people.”

“It should scare people.  Can you name a theocracy from any time in history that was decent?  One that allowed dissent of its subjects, or the basic freedoms like speech, press, and religion expressly spelled out in our Constitution.”

“A theocracy is not our goal.  The goal of Christians United is to return America to its Christians roots.  Look at what has happened to this glorious country under the bludgeon of liberal ‘ideals.’ America won’t be great again until we accept our role in God’s plan.”

“America is not all white, or all black, or all Hispanic, or all rich, or all poor, or all middleclass, or all Democrat, or all Republican, or all Libertarian.  Why should we all be one religion?  America is strongest when we accept our diversity.”

“Your diversity means the legalized murder of innocents, the banning of God from the public square, obscenity passing as entertainment, the acceptance of sinful lifestyles …”

“But just because someone is a faithful Christian doesn’t mean that they are a good person, or that they are qualified or capable of running this country.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a doctor being killed because they wouldn’t perform an abortion.  Have you?  Yet how many times has a self-describe Christian blown up a clinic?”

“Such instances are regrettable.  One of our goals is the end of legalized murder, but Christians United does not condone violence.  We wish to save lives, not end them.”

“Really?  As far as I can tell groups like Christians United are always blaming people like me for the ills of society and crying ‘We need to stop the secularists before they destroy the county.’ Yet when ‘Christians’ try to rewrite the Bible so it reads, ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill; except abortion doctors,’ you proclaim ‘We don’t condone violence,’ but do nothing to stop these radical elements of your faith.”

“God will judge them, as He will judge all of us.  The Apocalypse is coming.”

“You’ve been saying that for centuries.  I think the only apocalypses we need to worry about are human created ones.”

“Whether you believe it or not, sooner or later, Judgment Day will be upon us, and I pray you see the light before then.”

“I doubt that will happen.  But, so I don’t miss my chance, there is something I want to do.  It’s a little experiment with all of those who – as you would say – have seen the light.  Yesterday, I set up a new email account.  For all of you Fundamentalist Christians out there, my email is thereisnogod@maxmail.com.  I repeat, my email is thereisnogod, all one word, @maxmail.com.  Now, reverend, how much do you want to bet that by the time we wrap this up, and I get to a computer to check my email, I’ll have already started receiving hate mail from your ‘peace-loving’ followers you think are the key to a return to a glorious country?  How many death threats do you think I’ll get before the Second Coming?”

***

I first wrote this story back in 2006 for a friend’s website which is more or less defunct.  And given how all religions live together in harmony now, I thought it would be a good laugh to show how things used to be. 

To be serious, this isn’t just about Christianity (although a few months ago I did see a Facebook post saying “There’s no such hate as Christian love.”) because in every group of people – Christians, Muslims, Atheists, Republicans, Democrats, one-legged guys named Joe – there will be a few nutcases.  The real problem is that many of the group will pull out the “No true Scotsman” defense instead of actually looking to see if there is an issue with their group’s foundation.

As an interesting tidbit, the “America won’t be great again” line is from the original story.  I probably hadn’t read this in over a decade, but when I read through it for this revised posting, that line made me wince.

Register to vote/Check your voter status

It seems every four years the political talking heads come out and say that “This election is the most important election of the modern era.” And you know what, for 2020, they might actually be right.  Because whether you think everything is hunky-dory, or you think the best description of the country is a dumpster fire, there will be major repercussions whoever wins this November.

Now you could just sit back and say, “Why bother voting when the system is broken?” Well, one aspect of why the system is broken is because too many people don’t bother being a part of it.  The only way to have a government that reflects the country is if the majority of the people participated in choosing that government.  Our government is not perfect – it’s very, very far from perfect – but not voting is you saying you’ll just take whatever happens.  And if you don’t like what you’re given, well, you can’t complain because you had the chance to make your voice heard and chose not to.

The way to make your voice heard is to register to vote.  How to register should be laid out on your state’s website.  But even if you’ve already registered, you should take the time to check your registration status, which I think is an option on most state websites.  (You may also wish to double check on your polling place.)  An important reason to do this now, is that there are several reasons why your status could be wrong: you moved and forgot to update it, a clerical error, or maybe you were caught up in an overly enthusiastic purge.  Whatever the reason, if you check now and find a problem you can get it all worked out before Election Day.  Election Day is hectic enough without people waiting in line only to find out there’s an issue.

So register to vote, or check your status, so everything will be in order come November 3rd and you can make sure your voice will be heard, in this, the most important election of the modern era.