Random Story – Make them work for it

This is just an odd little story from my life.

With Christmas coming, I figured I’d let you know some wrapping tricks, in case you’re so inclined.

In my family, usually at Thanksgiving we’ll pick names for Christmas.  Sometimes there are shenanigans so that Person X will pick Person Y’s name so they can do some devious wrapping.  I usually just do devious wrapping on whoever I get.

A couple years ago, I picked one of my nephews.  I thought for a bit, and came up with an idea.  When we got together for Christmas, he got a wrapped box.  He took the wrapping off to find the box duct taped shut.  He dug through that, to find another duct taped box inside.  He dug through that, to find a third duct taped box.  Inside that, he found a clump of duct tape wrapping something the size of a gift card.  He got all that duct tape off to find a piece of cardboard, about the size of a gift card.  This confused him.  So that was when I walked over and handed him the gift card out of my pocket and said something like, “I guess I forgot to put it in.” I know my brother, his dad, got a good laugh out of it.

A related scheme, I think a few years earlier I got my other brother and I wrapped three or four boxes.  But I did put his gift card in it, I just tucked it under some crumpled newspaper in the outermost box.  So he dug through two duct taped boxes to find … nothing.  I then had to show him the gift card in the outermost box.  He got a chuckle out of it. 

Short story – “A Christmas Miracle?”

“A Christmas Miracle?”

It was parents in the Western Pacific who first raised the alarm.  They were either doing last minute wrapping, or their regular routines, when presents just appeared.  Soon there were videos that showed – at the stroke of midnight – presents appearing.  There was no jolly fellow leaving them.  One second there was nothing, the next, simple toys in basic wrappings. 

As the hours passed, there were thousands upon thousands of such videos.  And some even showed crude traps to try to catch whatever was doing this, all to no avail. 

Christmas Day ended with a million questions, but no answers.  For the following year it was the number one topic of heated debate around the world.  Some even claimed The Event was the cause of several government collapses. 

Would it be repeated next Christmas?  Untold resources were spent to better record the phenomena.  But on the day, no presents showed up.  This just raised more questions and more debate.  Decades later, the general feeling was that our response to the miracle had just got us collectively put on the Naughty List.

***

For the last few years, I’ve had wondered how the world would react if Santa became active.  The basic idea being the world would freak out.  It was a fun idea, but I had assumed it might have to be a novella, and I didn’t have time for that.  But the other day I was thinking about it and started seeing this ultrashort version.  While this turned out to be about twice as long as I had hoped, it is still way shorter than I had first imagined.

Short story – “Memories”

“Memories”

Taking a sip of her coffee, Laura said, “So, tell me something about yourself.”

Ed shrugged.  “What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know.” Laura looked around the coffee shop and saw a flier for a “Christmas in July” sale from some local business.  “What was the most memorable thing you ever got for Christmas as a kid?”

Ed looked at her for a few seconds, then began laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“The most memorable thing I ever got was probably the severed foot I found in my stocking one year.”

Laura set her coffee cup down before slowly saying, “Okay.”

“My dad is a big practical joker.  When I was eight, I woke up Christmas morning and went downstairs.  The rule was us kids could go through our stockings, but we weren’t allowed to touch our presents or wake our parents.  My brother and sister had stockings full of candy and little toys, but mine seemed rather empty.  I dumped it out to find a plastic severed foot; a leftover from Halloween.  It was maybe half-an-hour later that my dad got up.  I met him at the bottom of the stairs and showed him the foot.  He just said I must have been really bad for Santa to leave me that.  He then laughed and went and got me one of my presents, which was a box with all the stuff that would have been in my stocking.”

With a smile, Laura asked, “Was your several foot the best toy you ever got?”

“Not really.  I soon forgot about it until the next year when my older brother Tom – who’s as big a joker as my dad – tied a string around it and hung on the tree as a decoration.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.  Mom wasn’t too happy, but between dad and Tom I think she knew fighting it would be a lost cause.  For years afterward it was one of our tree decorations.  I think it was the first year that Joan – Tom’s now wife – spent with us that it didn’t make it up.  But it’s probably still in one of the decorations boxes up in the attic.”

“Sounds like you have an interesting family.”

“That’s a nicer way to put it.  I usually just say my family’s nuts.”

Laura had just taken a sip of coffee and almost had it come out of her nose.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.  You just caught me off guard.”

Ed smiled.  “So, what was the most memorable gift you got as a kid?”

Laura thought for a moment.  “I don’t know.  I don’t think Barbies compare to a severed foot.”

***

Back in June 2013, I saw a post online of someone looking for ideas for stocking stuffers.  I understand getting a head start, but June?  I jokingly thought a good stocking stuffer would be a severed foot.  So I wrote this story, which is still online.

Around Thanksgiving of this year, I was looking over my stories to see if I had any Christmas ones.  I found this one, so decided to polish it up a big and repost it.

Christmas sale!

So it’s Christmas.  Maybe Santa brought you a new Kindle, maybe in the last few months you’ve read everything in your house, or maybe you’re just looking to try something new from someone you’ve probably never heard of.  Well, I got you covered.  From Wednesday December 23, through Sunday December 27, my four Kindle ebooks listed below will be free to download. 

I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season, and I hope you enjoy anything of mine you read.

***

A Man of Few Words

 

A Man of Few Words is a collection of fifty of my flash fiction stories. What would really happen if a “T-Rex on steroids” attacked a city? Why do science fiction writers make the best lovers? How does a company get to Second Base with VIPs? I explore these questions and more using less than 1000 words and in various genres from humor to horror and general fiction to science fiction.

The majority of the stories were previously published (most on my website) but all were revised for this collection. In addition, each piece is accompanied by some background information on the origin of the story or a funny tale about the writing of it to give a fuller experience.

Rise

 

“Rise” is a standalone story set in my Human Republic Universe. The story follows the events after the tragic deaths of the colonists on a small colony in a distant star system.

A Cabin Under a Cloudy Sea and other stories

 

Hopefully, in the not too distant future humans will return to the moon. We will build bases and colonies, make farms and factories, and live, love and learn. “A Cabin Under a Cloudy Sea and other stories” contains five short stories that are all set upon the moon. They give the tiniest glimpse of the possibilities awaiting us there.

The Moon Before Mars: Why returning to the moon makes more sense than rushing off to Mars

 

Over the last few years a lot of people have caught Mars fever. It seems a week doesn’t go by without a report of some new group wanting to send people to Mars, or some big name in the industry talking about why we have to go to Mars, or articles talking about the glorious future humanity will have on Mars. All of this worries me. In my opinion, a Mars base is currently not sustainable because there’s no way for it to make money. A few missions may fly doing extraordinary science, but if it’s then cancelled for cost the whole Mars Project may just be seen as an expensive stunt.

Fortunately, there are other places in the solar system besides Mars. While bases on the moon and amongst the asteroids won’t be as inspirational as one on Mars, they will have opportunities for businesses to make goods and services as well as profits, meaning less chance of them being outright cancelled. This will make life better on Earth and secure a firm foothold in space for humanity. The essays in “The Moon Before Mars: Why returning to the moon makes more sense than rushing off to Mars” allow me to describe my ideas on what can be accomplished on the moon and with the asteroids, and why Mars isn’t the destiny of humanity its cheerleaders make it out to be.

Short story – “The Christmas Police”

“The Christmas Police”

When he came around the corner of the food court, Officer Katz saw a cluster of excited people.  As he jogged to them, he keyed his radio and said, “Control this is Forty-Six.  Some kind of disturbance in the food court.”

The people parted as he neared, allowing him to see an older woman lying on the floor.  A younger woman – possibly her daughter – was comforting her.  Katz knelt beside the woman and asked, “What’s the problem.”

The older woman pointed out into the main mall and said, “It was a young man, dark hair, and a sweater.  He-” Tears came to her eyes as she forced herself to say, “He wished me ‘Happy Holidays.’”

Katz placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and said, “I’ll get him.” He then asked the younger woman, “Will you stay with her?”

The younger woman nodded.  She then added, “She’s my mom.”

Katz nodded and stood.  As he started jogging in the indicated direction, he keyed his radio and said, “Control this is Forty-Six.  Two-fifty in the food court, in pursuit of the suspect.”

The mall was crowded, but Katz soon saw a figure matching the description walking away.  Katz jogged up behind him and when he was close enough he grabbed the man’s shoulder.  The man turned and tried to shrug off Katz, but Katz’s grip was too strong.  The man put his hand on Katz’s chest and gave a shove.

Katz drew his baton – decorated as a large peppermint stick – and cracked it against the man’s skull.  The man fell limp to the floor with Katz on top of him.  Using more force then was probably needed, Katz got the man’s hands behind his back and slipped on a pair of handcuffs.  “You’re under arrest,” he stated, “for suspicion of using a malicious greeting.”

Katz looked up to see a small crowd had gathered around him: some were filming him on their phones while others were clapping.  He tried to not smile too much while he walked the man back to the victim for identification.

***

This was my most recent “War on Christmas” story.  I wrote it a few years ago because it seemed every year it was becoming more and more ridiculous.  So I wrote a story that just took things a bit further.

This story was previous published in November 2015 on a website that’s no longer around.  I revised it a bit for this posting.

Short story – “In the Spirit”

“In the Spirit”

Joseph Warner mentally checked off relatives with gifts as he walked along the sidewalk.  Occasionally he would glance at the holiday decorations the stores and businesses had put up, but mostly he ignored them and focused on not stepping on the occasional ice patches. 

His path back to his dorm passed the courthouse, and as he approached it he heard a ringing bell and people talking rather loudly.  His curiosity piqued, he stopped and saw a group of two women and a man standing around the tree the city had put up.  One woman held a sign reading, “It’s a CHRISTMAS tree,” while the sign the man held read, “Put CHRIST back in Christmas.” The other woman was ringing the bell and reading from the Bible.

Looking around, Joseph saw that the other pedestrians would glance at the group then hurry on.  Joseph followed their lead.

About ten minutes later, he reached his dorm room and piled the gifts on his bed.  There was a paper he needed to write, and tests to study for, but there was something else he felt he needed to do.  He grabbed his Bible from the bookshelf and headed back to the courthouse.

He walked towards the group and stopped about ten feet from them.  He opened his Bible and pretended to be reading, flipping through pages.

The woman with the Bible paused her reading and asked him, “Would you care to join us?”

“No.” After a couple more flipped pages Joseph asked, “I’m just trying to find the deep spiritual meaning a Christmas tree has for Christians.  Perhaps you can point out the verse that reads, ‘Thou shalt have a Christmas Tree.’”

The woman stopped ringing the bell and a cold gleam came to her eyes.  She said, “We are trying to save Christmas from the secularists who are trying to destroy this country; those who want to call this,” she pointed to the tree behind her, “a holiday tree.”

After a slight pause Joseph said, “So, when you die and go to heaven you’ll meet with all these early Christian martyrs who were fed to lions who will ask, ‘What have you done for the faith,’ and you’ll reply, ‘We made sure people didn’t call a Christmas tree a Holiday tree.’ At which point they’ll slap their foreheads and say, ‘Why didn’t we think of that?’”

The bell ringer took a step forward.  “This is a serious matter that-”

“No it isn’t,” Joseph interrupted.  Pointing over his shoulder he said, “There are people starving out there.  There are people being shot because their religion, or the way they practice their religion is wrong, at least according to the people with the guns.  And you are here arguing over what people call a tree.  This is not serious, it’s ludicrous.”

With her Bible the reader pointed at Joseph.  “We are trying to save the traditional Christmas from those who wish to destroy it.”

“Was there a Christmas tree at the first Christmas?”

Without indicating she heard Joseph, the reader went on.  “By renaming this, the secularists are trying to dilute the values of the traditional Christmas.”

“Christmas Trees have been around for about two hundred years.  How can they be so vital to a two thousand year old religion?  There was no Christmas tree at the first Christmas.  I mean, how much more traditional can you get?  If Jesus didn’t need one, why do you?”

***

I first wrote this story back in the heady “War on Christmas” days.  I was going through my stories recently, and I figured this one needed to see the light of day again.

Part of the origin of this was an episode of My Hero, a British comedy about an alien superhero living on Earth.  In one episode he goes to his girlfriend’s and is worried there’s some alien invasion because people are putting fir trees up in their homes.  She tries to explain how it’s all for the birthday of Jesus, and he asks if fir trees were important to Jesus and she replies with something like, “I don’t think he ever saw one.” He then says something along the lines of, “That’s an odd way to celebrate his birthday.”  Which is true.  Not that that matters to some people.

This story was previous published in November 2006 on a friend’s website.  The original version is still up, but I revised it a bit for this posting.